x_0belial's Xanga

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Wed, 24 Sep 2008 11:29:06 GMT

How well can you actually trust someone?

I'm kind of naive, I knew that. I always trust someone too easily.

That is why, I've prepared myself to be faced with betrayal whenever I tend to trust someone too much. It hurts so much though, when they really do betray you. So much that it's indescribable.

I know I'm being naive, I need to hang out more. But somewhere, somehow, I wish there is someone I could really really place my whole and entire trust to. Someone who would not betray me.

Is there such a person? This world is filled with selfish people, it's everyone to their own. I am one too, but sometimes, I tend to sympathize with those I really care for.

I don't know. It hurts so much, I'm actually growing up to learn how cruel this world can really be. And its eating me up emotionally. I should be more mature, I'm 17, I should be able to handle things like these. I try to though.

But sometimes, it's just too much for one person to handle it.

Maybe, there isn't anyone you could fully place your trust on in this world. Maybe, you have to fight for yourself to survive in this world. I don't know anymore. I'm trying to fix my priorities, but with all these peer pressure, I really just feel like running away from everything.

Saturday, September 20, 2008

Sat, 20 Sep 2008 11:37:41 GMT

I don't know what to say.

I just want everything to end.

I just want everything to fade away.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Tue, 09 Sep 2008 06:17:12 GMT

I need someone to speak to.

All these silence is killing me.

This funny feeling in me is eating me alive.

I know I'm just being stressed out.

But, I don't want to be ignored.

Because your silence is killing me.

Thursday, January 03, 2008

Thu, 03 Jan 2008 16:36:00 GMT

I've always took things lightly till now. Always thought things would work out good for me.. Always taking advantage of my mum..

Then i realize, I'm no different.. from him.

It's so sad, hearing ur own mum apologizing to you when you clearly know it's your own fault.

Lately, nights has been made up of tears.

Time passed by so fast that I havent even thought of it as harsh.

I've been enjoying too much.

Reality had just crashed in.

I feel so lost.

I try not to give up, I'm still hanging in there, and trying hard not to give up.

But part of me is telling me to give up.

But I just want all these to end.

Saturday, December 08, 2007

Sat, 08 Dec 2007 12:41:58 GMT

Two weeks has pass. Time passes so fast. Just two more weeks here at Australia. Somehow I miss home but I don't miss home.

Most of my friends have finished their graduation exams for high school.

I envy them. They sound so happy and free.

I wish my time would come and this new year would pass in a blink of an eye.

I really hate high school to the point where I cant wait to graduate. I want to graduate with good marks though.

Thinking about all of these upsets me to think that next year is a stressful year. But I guess it can't be helped. Just 1 more year to go...

Just gotta struggle through 1 more year...

Wednesday, November 21, 2007

Wed, 21 Nov 2007 04:13:49 GMT

I'm leaving today. I left my old life behind. I'm trying to start all over again.

I'm scared, because I know that there's many other things awaiting me.

I'm leaving to Australia today on my own. I'm scared but at the same time excited. I'm worried at the same time happy. I'm worried of what might happen here. Although there's not much for me to worry about, but I do care about what happens to my mum. She's so weak and fragile.

And today's the day I start getting serious about my studies for next year.

What a boring and predictable life, yet unavoidable. I feel so empty, doing things without a passion. I don't know what I like to do anymore. I want to major in music... but that's not the life mum wants me to get. I just don't know what is expected of me.

I just hope things will turn out alright. Like it always does.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

Wed, 12 Sep 2007 17:19:25 GMT

It's decided.

They're planning to send me to Australia during the school holidays break, because they want me to find a college there. I dont even know what I plan to study, how would I know which college to choose from?

I'm scared.

Growing up is so much more stressful and complicated than I thought it would be.

Tuesday, September 04, 2007

Tue, 04 Sep 2007 18:37:58 GMT

Life's a fucking BITCH. To my mum, not me. I want to help her, but all I can do is be there for her. Well, whats the point of being there when you cant help out with ANYTHING?

I havent been to school for 3 days. I don't feel safe leaving her alone. I want to make sure nothing happens, specially not at times like this.

I've got so many stuff to complete, got my projects to pass up but I can't bloody go to school. I'd feel insecure leaving her alone.

I can't specify the details. It's all family problems.. but I don't know what to do...

I'm worried for her.

And people can only tell me to be there for her.

Saturday, July 28, 2007

Sat, 28 Jul 2007 02:24:57 GMT

I'm alive. If I haven't died of boredom. Anyhow, I'm being dragged to KL by mum again. And she leaves me to shop all by myself while she attend her meetings. Whats the point of bringing me then if she's not going to spend some time with me.

I'm getting fine lately. Finally made some new friends.

Stressed out though.

Monday, July 09, 2007

Mon, 09 Jul 2007 14:04:56 GMT

One miserable event after another...

I wonder what the fuck is wrong with my life.

Or more exactly, what the fuck is wrong with me.

I didn't dare make myself clear, so I'm always misunderstood. I'm just too proud to ask for help. Even if I do, no one would give a fuck. It's everyone for themselves, who would stop to listen to me? I did tried, but they just ignored me.

It's a pain to know I have to rely on myself. Emotionally and mentally, this is so much strain that I wonder how life can be so enjoyable one second and become so depressingly fucked up the next.

So what if I keep to myself? If I talk too much, people will bitch about me. If I keep my silence, people will bitch about me. If I just listen to them bitch, they will bitch about me. If I bitch together with them, they bitch about me. This world is no difference no matter what you choose to do, either this or that, people around you will still be the same. Maybe I'm just being too sensitive as all these are unavoidable. They tell me to change, I tried to change, I did my best and I felt that I've changed a little, but all they have to say is that I'm not making an effort to change.

They haven't been in my shoes. It's not easy for me to go through things like they do, because I'm just that kind of person. I dont like relying on others and I am afraid of facing the truth yet I prefer truth over lies. They keep telling me off, and I just listen. But when I tried to tell them off, they bitch or worse yet, make things hard for me. I tried taking criticisms well, no doubt they hurt but still they make you change; but sometimes, these criticisms are unreasonable and I don't understand what went wrong. When I ask, no one would tell me and they would all yell at me or complain that I ask too much, so I have to figure it all out for myself. They thought that by just telling me some short words, that I would have enough sense to figure things out myself. But truth is, I'm not so smart, no one is that smart enough to read your fucking pea-brains. Would it fucking kill you to just give an explanation? A simple explanation and all else is answered.

Seriously, I don't fucking understand what the fuck is wrong with me. I know I need to make myself clear or I'll be forever misunderstood but when you open your mouth and explain, people with just... look at you and think that you are nuts or something.

I tried fitting in, but I still can't. I'm working hard, but this is too much.

I don't know how much more of this shit do I still have to take.